One In A Million?

I talked to my counselor today. I told him something he didn't want to hear. I told him what keeps me from hurting myself. Then he told me something I didn't want to hear: one in a million. That's the phrase he used. One. In. A. Million.

SUCK!

I take back what I wrote. Open it. Please. Now. Immediately. And let's talk about it.

These are the words of desperation.

I'm Gonna Scream

SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. And throw things. Apparently friendship no longer exists. Loyalty? Gone, too.

I'm generally a hopeful person, and I like to believe there's good in everyone; but I can't seem to find any more reason for these things. My whole life, I've been called naive, and I understand why. I live in my own world. I believe in happy endings--not for everyone, but they do exist. I've seen too many movies and read too many books. However, I'm fully aware that life doesn't turn out all peaches and candy, though creative minds would argue otherwise.

I understand why people aren't friendly to me. I know why I don't feel comfortable calling many people friend: only a few choose to live up to the title. Most would say I'm mentally ill, unstable, pessimistic, and needy (along with other things). Why be friends with someone like that? Why be kind?

What I don't understand is how people can be so cruel to each other and treat others so badly. All I ever hear from anyone are complaints about how badly they've been treated by someone they thought was a friend. I don't understand it. This is hard for me to write about because I'm in a terribly passionate state right now. In all honesty, I'd love to cuss a particular someone out and say ugly things. I'm bitter about many things, but not about anything this person has done; so don't you dare say that I'm speaking from bitterness/hate/anger. If anything, it's hurt that lies within me; but really, he's just an idiot. That's the long and short of it.

Honestly, though, what ever happened to being a friend? What happened to keeping promises, standing by each other's side, and doing what you can for someone you care about? Why have we all turned our backs on each other? Has it always been this way?

Many times over, I've gotten an oversimplified answer to these questions: that's how people are. That's life. The only person you have is you. That's a bullshit way to think. I certainly don't want to associate with someone who sees everything that way. He has pretty much just guaranteed that he's not dependable, reliable, trustworthy. And he wasn't. And he isn't. And he probably never will be.

I've experienced things--terrible things--that I pray to God nobody will ever have to experience, and still I believe in the goodness in humanity. I believe in helping people, in being kind, in sharing the burden of life. These things aren't difficult to do. There's no excuse for crappy human behavior. If I can do it, you can do it. If a woman can look a rapist in the eye and forgive him, if a child can look her abuser in the eye and forgive her...what's stopping us from treating each other with respect, compassion, friendship?

Don't abandon those around you. Yes, you've been abandoned. Yes, you've been abused. Yes, you've been hurt. But that doesn't make your actions right. Man up. Stop being a fuck, and get your head on straight. Or screw up your life. Whatever. It's your life. Don't expect anything from me, for I expect nothing from you. I only hope you'll see your errors, correct them, and learn from them.

Love Letter II

I feel like this stupid blog has already gotten too depressing, which was completely NOT the point of writing. Sooooo...I've decided to post a series of love letters that I've written to various people. Love comes in many forms. Embrace it.

These have been the longest [insert time period] of my current existence. I don't know why, but I want so badly to tell you so many things. I want to talk to you, from one person to another. I want to tell you that you are such an amazing person and that you did more for me than I could ever say. I don't know how to tell you any of these things, but I feel you should know them. I love you. I love everything about you. Don't change, not one bit. It'll break my heart if you do. I want to tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me and how you make me feel. I don't want to waste what you gave me. I feel like I owe you so much, but the only thing I can give is my thanks. You're beautiful. I don't ever want to be without you, though I know I have to. I need to move on and get myself figured out. You should know that you've helped me with that. You did everything just right, and you taught me a lot. Being with you was a beautiful experience. Any moment is enough of a moment with you. I don't know why I feel so much for you. I've never before in my life felt so much for one person. I have mad, crazy love for you. Thank you for showing me what I'm worth. I've waited my time and now I'm going to say these things to you, if only you'll let me. I promise it won't hurt. Any tears that fall will be tears of love, not sadness or sorrow or regret, though sometimes they feel that way. This time feels like forever, but I'm glad I made it through. I'm glad I got to come back to you. I haven't yet finished figuring things out, but I'm ready for anything that may happen. I don't know what I want; but for the first time, I know what I don't want. Unfortunately, a lot of those things are common. You're so unique, kid. How did you get to be that way? I wish I could have seen it sooner. I think I did. I think that's why I decided to try you out. Does any of this make sense? Probably not. It doesn't even make sense to me, and I'm the one writing it. These things are coming from my heart. I've strayed from the initial purpose of the letter, but I don't care. I'm going where my heart and my mind take me. I don't know where that will be, but I'm eager to find out. I wish you could be here with me when I finally do figure things out, but I know that can't happen. I'm not ready for you. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for you. I don't think you were ever ready for me. You tried to be valiant, and you tried to be brave, but it wasn't enough. I care so much about you. You're an angel. You're a beautiful angel, and I love you very much, despite all our differences. I'm a difficult person to deal with, and I appreciate that you stuck it out for as long as you did. I don't know why it hurts to say these things right now. Possibly, it's because I care so much for you. How do you make me care so much? I'll never understand it. I wish I didn't have to wait so long to tell you these things. I wish I could say all this right now. In time, I'll know it's right. At this moment, it feels right, but it may not be. I have to wait to see if this passes. If it doesn't, if these words remain in my heart, I'll know it's right. I'll know that I need to tell you. I'm just so afraid that you won't want to hear this, or that you won't give me a chance. Why is this so hard? Why do I have to wait? Waiting is the hardest thing for me. I'm not patient; and when I want something as badly as I want this, I can't wait. I want to do this right now. I'm tempted to call you, but I know I shouldn't. What would you think of me? I don't care what you think. Call me selfish, but all I care about is how I feel. Things are crazy, and they're not calming down. I was ready to tell you everything. Do you understand that? Do you know what that means? I wanted to let you in. I was going to do it. Why do you think I called you over that night? That very night that you decided to do what you did.

Love Letter I

I feel like this stupid blog has already gotten too depressing, which was completely NOT the point of writing. Sooooo...I've decided to post a series of love letters that I've written to various people. Love comes in many forms. Embrace it.

I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. Any words I could say aren't enough. Even this won't be enough. I think about your face all the time. I think about your smile, your laugh, your kindness. You're so good to me, and I feel like I don't deserve it. I've hurt you in the worst possible way, but you forgave me. I don't know if I could do that. I'm in love with you. I want to be with you all the time. If I could--if I were allowed--I would spend forever with you. Eternity would be ours. I cherish our friendship, our love, everything we have. I'm sure it means more to me than it does to you, but that's ok. As long as you accept what I offer, I'll be happy. Will you do that? For me? I would do it for you. I would do anything for you. You're my existence. It won't always be that way, but I don't mind. As long as I can call you friend, I'll always be happy. I've never felt this way before about anyone. I've loved men with my body and I've loved a man with my heart, but I love you in such a different way. I kept my mind on him to keep it off you. I'm sure he knows it, too. I loved him. I still love him. I love him with every piece of my heart, but I'm not in love with him the way I am with you. My only wish is that I stop feeling this way because I know you'll never return my feelings. You can't. I understand that. All I want is for you to be happy. I'll do anything in my power to make sure you never cry or hurt or suffer. Ever since I met you, I've thought you were nothing less than incredible. I'm so glad you're a part of my life, especially now when things are so difficult and unclear. You've always been so quick to help, and you've never one judged me. That's never happened with anyone else. I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain. I promise I'll never do it again. Just don't go anywhere. Don't run like everyone else in my life. Don't ever make me chase you. Don't leave me. Let me keep you.

Wesley Snipes Makes Me Think

If I didn't love you so goddamn much, I would hate you.

Helplessness. Powerlessness. That's what triggers the depression. I realized it tonight when I could barely walk my dog on my own. When I feel these two things, I get depressed. It's all I can do not to let myself slip back into that.

My ankle is [badly] sprained, and I've been put up in bed/on the couch for a couple days. I can only get up to grab an ice pack, walk the dog, feed the dog, feed myself, and sometimes shower. I've been using my rollie chair as a wheelchair so as not to put pressure on Wesley Snipes.

I felt like I couldn't do anything for her, him, another him, and finally me. It's the worst feeling in the world. I wish I could do something. I wish I could change things. Somebody saved my life. Whose life have I saved? Someone loves me enough to keep me from hurting myself. Why doesn't my love matter that much to you? Why am I not that important? Daughter, sister, lover, friend. None of these words mean anything to any of you. Speak 'friend' and I'm saved. Speak 'love' and you're still lost. I don't know what more I can give. I don't even know what more I can do for myself.

All I can do at the moment is wait. I'm staying with my brother for a while until I get stuff sorted out. Or until Wesley Snipes disappears. Whichever comes first.

Counseling Hurts

I always hate the way I feel after counseling. The sessions get me down. Instead of talking about good things or happy things, we talk about the stuff that hurts. That sucks.

I know this is normal, but I can't help but feel that counseling isn't working. I feel like I'm not accomplishing the main goal: to get better; to stop being depressed.

Current achievements:

• The cutting and suicide attempts have stopped
• I told all my Dirty Secrets (and no one went to jail)
• It's easier for me to talk about myself and my...condition
• I cry all the time
• I've been retraumatized

Things I've learned about myself:

• My depression is triggered (hard) by illness/injury
• I'm depressed because I feel powerless, whether to help myself or others
• I have Major Depressive Disorder
• I miss Tubbykins
• I've been depressed for years (it runs in the family)
• I have no real friends but one or two, and my family sucks ass (already knew the latter)
• My pitcher of Kool-Aid has overflowed
  
• I'm still traumatized by things that happened a decade ago
• I have no hope and feel worthless (which is why I want to kill meself)
• I love and forgive those I shouldn't because it's easier than acknowledging how they've hurt me
• I'm weak
  
• For the past several years, I've been punishing myself for things that people have done to me
• I'm still afraid

Lemonade is overrated.