Wesley Snipes Makes Me Think

If I didn't love you so goddamn much, I would hate you.

Helplessness. Powerlessness. That's what triggers the depression. I realized it tonight when I could barely walk my dog on my own. When I feel these two things, I get depressed. It's all I can do not to let myself slip back into that.

My ankle is [badly] sprained, and I've been put up in bed/on the couch for a couple days. I can only get up to grab an ice pack, walk the dog, feed the dog, feed myself, and sometimes shower. I've been using my rollie chair as a wheelchair so as not to put pressure on Wesley Snipes.

I felt like I couldn't do anything for her, him, another him, and finally me. It's the worst feeling in the world. I wish I could do something. I wish I could change things. Somebody saved my life. Whose life have I saved? Someone loves me enough to keep me from hurting myself. Why doesn't my love matter that much to you? Why am I not that important? Daughter, sister, lover, friend. None of these words mean anything to any of you. Speak 'friend' and I'm saved. Speak 'love' and you're still lost. I don't know what more I can give. I don't even know what more I can do for myself.

All I can do at the moment is wait. I'm staying with my brother for a while until I get stuff sorted out. Or until Wesley Snipes disappears. Whichever comes first.