First Relationship Blog

Why do people ask me so many questions? I don't understand it.

I got an email from a friend of mine asking for the best way to tell her boyfriend that she can't afford the upkeep on a gift he gave her. Uhhh...what? When have I been known to talk to my partner about stuff? Never. I don't talk. I don't. I tried talking once, and I got dumped. I think that's a good reason to be cautious about sharing. If you want to know something, have me write it down. That's the only way I know to get my thoughts out. So I told her to email him.

But really, relationships piss me off. They do. I don't like them. I don't like being in them, I don't like being around people who are in them, and I don't like hearing about them. They suck. And I'm not just saying that. I really believe it. I've been in two relationships. I could have been in more, and I could be in one right now if I let it be known that I'm interested in a certain person, but I don't care to. To me, 82% of relationships scream, "Let's be together so we're not alone."

People know this about me, and still they insist on asking for advice. I can give none. Here's my best: break up with him. End it. If he really cared, and if you really cared, you wouldn't have these problems.

However, I'm very Jekyll/Hyde about this (which is part of the reason my most recent relationship failed). Unfortunately, I live in a fantasyland, and I kinda do believe in soul mates. I would love to find someone with whom I could share everything, someone who understands me right away and who loves everything about me just the way it is. My oldest brother has told me that he's met his soul mate. Had I not learned that, I wouldn't believe in them. You see, he's a bit nerdy, a little jerky, and kind of a player. But he insists that he and this girl would be married right now had he not moved to Texas. That's a big thing for him, so I know she must have been an amazing girl.

But yeah, so I want to get married. I've always wanted to get married. I'm still juggling the idea of having kids, but I have time to think about that. Do you see the problem I've encountered? I don't like to date. I don't like relationships. I have a hard time being alone in a room with a man without getting terribly frightened (for more than obvious reasons). And I want to get married. I want to spend forever with someone. I want to wake up in the morning (or afternoon) next to someone and think, "I can do this every day." I want to be able to tell someone I love him. I want to commit myself to someone. I've wanted to do this for as long as I can remember. I get excited just thinking about it--not about the wedding part, like most girls, but about the forever part. I WANT A MATE.

Hope as I may, I still feel I'll never be able to have what I want: instant togetherness. Unless someone AMAZING comes along. I've met some really amazing people, but they've all been girls, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. See, I'm a special case. I'm not the average girl. Nobody is, but I'm really even less average than the other non-average girls. I have a story. I have a hard, painful story that's almost impossible to tell. Everyone says that, but I mean it. And I don't know how to get past that and get positive about the ugly R-word (Or the B-word. Or the L-word. Or the D-word. Or the M-word.). I tried to pretend it didn't exist when I was in my last relationship, but then he got curious and wanted to get "serious" and all that bullshit, and it caused more problems than it solved.

And another problem: I'm more fun when I'm single. Ask my friends. They'll tell you they'd rather be around me when I'm free to do what I want. Well, I always do what I want anyway, but I feel free when I'm single. And I can get stupid without embarrassing anyone. And nobody breaks up with you when you're single. And you don't find out after a year with someone that nobody actually ever liked the guy. Sucks.

I'm cautious to share this one because I kinda like someone right now and I don't want them to stumble upon this and think, "It'll never work. She's anti-relationship." I'm not anti- anything; I'm just pro-single, and I'm afraid that if you get to know me, you'll want to be friends and nothing more. That's the worst.