I Haven't Blogged In AGES

Howdy, blog..ees. Blogees!

I'm sick. In bed. Sooo...I have nothing to do but play on the net. Here I am :D

Anyway, about restaurants: sit where the hostess seats you. Don't bitch about your table. Leave at least a 10% tip (the servers only get about $2 an hour).
Ok, I'm done venting about that.

In other news...I'm pretty sure I just flunked out. No worries. I don't really care about school anyway.

AND just as I was about to say, "I think I'll try this dating thing again," I get news that all my friends in relationships are having the worst time ever. I'll save dating for another day.

I got a new car! It's a Nissan. Pretty nice if I may say so. And I have a new job. I won't tell you where I work because I'm trying to remain stealthy. But it's really nice. I like it.

And I am probably the second or third happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

One In A Million?

I talked to my counselor today. I told him something he didn't want to hear. I told him what keeps me from hurting myself. Then he told me something I didn't want to hear: one in a million. That's the phrase he used. One. In. A. Million.

SUCK!

I take back what I wrote. Open it. Please. Now. Immediately. And let's talk about it.

These are the words of desperation.

Let's Talk About Sex, Bay-be!

Oooooo yay, sex is fun.
Whoah yeah, sex is fun.
Heck yes, I wanna have sex.

I don't judge those who don't use condoms or other forms of birth control. It's not my style.

Please don't think I'm judging you or trying to tell you how to live your life. That's not what this is about. Really, I just don't want to feel alone. Straight up, that's how it is. Am I really the only person who feels the need to get tested and talk to her partner about it? Tell me I'm not. I've gotten a lot of words of support and encouragement, praise and admiration; but what does that mean? Does it mean you do as I do, or does it mean you feel as I feel? Enlighten me.

Hey, guess what? Not everybody has sex. I know, I know...College = sex. Relationships = sex. Love = sex. Bullshit. It's ok to wait for [insert reason here] before you decide to have sex. If you want to go big, you can even become a nun or monk and give up sex altogether (that could be a falsehood--I didn't do my research).

I'm not looking to change anyone's mind, either (though that would be nice). You're going to do what you're going to do. If you have it set in your mind, I can't stop you; I don't expect to.

Love Letter II

I feel like this stupid blog has already gotten too depressing, which was completely NOT the point of writing. Sooooo...I've decided to post a series of love letters that I've written to various people. Love comes in many forms. Embrace it.

These have been the longest [insert time period] of my current existence. I don't know why, but I want so badly to tell you so many things. I want to talk to you, from one person to another. I want to tell you that you are such an amazing person and that you did more for me than I could ever say. I don't know how to tell you any of these things, but I feel you should know them. I love you. I love everything about you. Don't change, not one bit. It'll break my heart if you do. I want to tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me and how you make me feel. I don't want to waste what you gave me. I feel like I owe you so much, but the only thing I can give is my thanks. You're beautiful. I don't ever want to be without you, though I know I have to. I need to move on and get myself figured out. You should know that you've helped me with that. You did everything just right, and you taught me a lot. Being with you was a beautiful experience. Any moment is enough of a moment with you. I don't know why I feel so much for you. I've never before in my life felt so much for one person. I have mad, crazy love for you. Thank you for showing me what I'm worth. I've waited my time and now I'm going to say these things to you, if only you'll let me. I promise it won't hurt. Any tears that fall will be tears of love, not sadness or sorrow or regret, though sometimes they feel that way. This time feels like forever, but I'm glad I made it through. I'm glad I got to come back to you. I haven't yet finished figuring things out, but I'm ready for anything that may happen. I don't know what I want; but for the first time, I know what I don't want. Unfortunately, a lot of those things are common. You're so unique, kid. How did you get to be that way? I wish I could have seen it sooner. I think I did. I think that's why I decided to try you out. Does any of this make sense? Probably not. It doesn't even make sense to me, and I'm the one writing it. These things are coming from my heart. I've strayed from the initial purpose of the letter, but I don't care. I'm going where my heart and my mind take me. I don't know where that will be, but I'm eager to find out. I wish you could be here with me when I finally do figure things out, but I know that can't happen. I'm not ready for you. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for you. I don't think you were ever ready for me. You tried to be valiant, and you tried to be brave, but it wasn't enough. I care so much about you. You're an angel. You're a beautiful angel, and I love you very much, despite all our differences. I'm a difficult person to deal with, and I appreciate that you stuck it out for as long as you did. I don't know why it hurts to say these things right now. Possibly, it's because I care so much for you. How do you make me care so much? I'll never understand it. I wish I didn't have to wait so long to tell you these things. I wish I could say all this right now. In time, I'll know it's right. At this moment, it feels right, but it may not be. I have to wait to see if this passes. If it doesn't, if these words remain in my heart, I'll know it's right. I'll know that I need to tell you. I'm just so afraid that you won't want to hear this, or that you won't give me a chance. Why is this so hard? Why do I have to wait? Waiting is the hardest thing for me. I'm not patient; and when I want something as badly as I want this, I can't wait. I want to do this right now. I'm tempted to call you, but I know I shouldn't. What would you think of me? I don't care what you think. Call me selfish, but all I care about is how I feel. Things are crazy, and they're not calming down. I was ready to tell you everything. Do you understand that? Do you know what that means? I wanted to let you in. I was going to do it. Why do you think I called you over that night? That very night that you decided to do what you did.

Love Letter I

I feel like this stupid blog has already gotten too depressing, which was completely NOT the point of writing. Sooooo...I've decided to post a series of love letters that I've written to various people. Love comes in many forms. Embrace it.

I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. Any words I could say aren't enough. Even this won't be enough. I think about your face all the time. I think about your smile, your laugh, your kindness. You're so good to me, and I feel like I don't deserve it. I've hurt you in the worst possible way, but you forgave me. I don't know if I could do that. I'm in love with you. I want to be with you all the time. If I could--if I were allowed--I would spend forever with you. Eternity would be ours. I cherish our friendship, our love, everything we have. I'm sure it means more to me than it does to you, but that's ok. As long as you accept what I offer, I'll be happy. Will you do that? For me? I would do it for you. I would do anything for you. You're my existence. It won't always be that way, but I don't mind. As long as I can call you friend, I'll always be happy. I've never felt this way before about anyone. I've loved men with my body and I've loved a man with my heart, but I love you in such a different way. I kept my mind on him to keep it off you. I'm sure he knows it, too. I loved him. I still love him. I love him with every piece of my heart, but I'm not in love with him the way I am with you. My only wish is that I stop feeling this way because I know you'll never return my feelings. You can't. I understand that. All I want is for you to be happy. I'll do anything in my power to make sure you never cry or hurt or suffer. Ever since I met you, I've thought you were nothing less than incredible. I'm so glad you're a part of my life, especially now when things are so difficult and unclear. You've always been so quick to help, and you've never one judged me. That's never happened with anyone else. I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain. I promise I'll never do it again. Just don't go anywhere. Don't run like everyone else in my life. Don't ever make me chase you. Don't leave me. Let me keep you.

First Relationship Blog

Why do people ask me so many questions? I don't understand it.

I got an email from a friend of mine asking for the best way to tell her boyfriend that she can't afford the upkeep on a gift he gave her. Uhhh...what? When have I been known to talk to my partner about stuff? Never. I don't talk. I don't. I tried talking once, and I got dumped. I think that's a good reason to be cautious about sharing. If you want to know something, have me write it down. That's the only way I know to get my thoughts out. So I told her to email him.

But really, relationships piss me off. They do. I don't like them. I don't like being in them, I don't like being around people who are in them, and I don't like hearing about them. They suck. And I'm not just saying that. I really believe it. I've been in two relationships. I could have been in more, and I could be in one right now if I let it be known that I'm interested in a certain person, but I don't care to. To me, 82% of relationships scream, "Let's be together so we're not alone."

People know this about me, and still they insist on asking for advice. I can give none. Here's my best: break up with him. End it. If he really cared, and if you really cared, you wouldn't have these problems.

However, I'm very Jekyll/Hyde about this (which is part of the reason my most recent relationship failed). Unfortunately, I live in a fantasyland, and I kinda do believe in soul mates. I would love to find someone with whom I could share everything, someone who understands me right away and who loves everything about me just the way it is. My oldest brother has told me that he's met his soul mate. Had I not learned that, I wouldn't believe in them. You see, he's a bit nerdy, a little jerky, and kind of a player. But he insists that he and this girl would be married right now had he not moved to Texas. That's a big thing for him, so I know she must have been an amazing girl.

But yeah, so I want to get married. I've always wanted to get married. I'm still juggling the idea of having kids, but I have time to think about that. Do you see the problem I've encountered? I don't like to date. I don't like relationships. I have a hard time being alone in a room with a man without getting terribly frightened (for more than obvious reasons). And I want to get married. I want to spend forever with someone. I want to wake up in the morning (or afternoon) next to someone and think, "I can do this every day." I want to be able to tell someone I love him. I want to commit myself to someone. I've wanted to do this for as long as I can remember. I get excited just thinking about it--not about the wedding part, like most girls, but about the forever part. I WANT A MATE.

Hope as I may, I still feel I'll never be able to have what I want: instant togetherness. Unless someone AMAZING comes along. I've met some really amazing people, but they've all been girls, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. See, I'm a special case. I'm not the average girl. Nobody is, but I'm really even less average than the other non-average girls. I have a story. I have a hard, painful story that's almost impossible to tell. Everyone says that, but I mean it. And I don't know how to get past that and get positive about the ugly R-word (Or the B-word. Or the L-word. Or the D-word. Or the M-word.). I tried to pretend it didn't exist when I was in my last relationship, but then he got curious and wanted to get "serious" and all that bullshit, and it caused more problems than it solved.

And another problem: I'm more fun when I'm single. Ask my friends. They'll tell you they'd rather be around me when I'm free to do what I want. Well, I always do what I want anyway, but I feel free when I'm single. And I can get stupid without embarrassing anyone. And nobody breaks up with you when you're single. And you don't find out after a year with someone that nobody actually ever liked the guy. Sucks.

I'm cautious to share this one because I kinda like someone right now and I don't want them to stumble upon this and think, "It'll never work. She's anti-relationship." I'm not anti- anything; I'm just pro-single, and I'm afraid that if you get to know me, you'll want to be friends and nothing more. That's the worst.