First Day of School

Actually, first week. Here's how it all went down.

I skipped my first day of French to watch the inauguration. Good choice, I think. Then I went to my only other Tuesday class: Anthropology. We did nothing.

First Wednesday class: my first day of French. We learned the really easy stuff like, "My name is--" and "How are you?" and stuff. Super easy. But I love the language so much that I couldn't help but be pumped to speak anything. It was great. Syllabus Day. We didn't really do anything in my other classes (ENGL, POLS, MATH). Like I said, syllabus day. I got a new freshman in lab. That was cool. He seems pretty decent. I'm excited about being back in Access. Anyway, the day ran smoothly.

The rest of the week was pretty normal. I either read a syllabus or took notes. That's how these things go. The biggest letdowns were having to spend $200 on my ANTH books and being forced to take a $50 French placement exam. I should find out my results tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully, I did well enough to get out of the 101 class and maybe into the 102. I don't want to be placed any higher because I don't remember any of my French from high school (junior year). If I did really well on the exam, it's because I guessed. All the questions were multiple choice.

In other news, Flight Of The Conchords is back on for a new season, and I just discovered last week that I get HBO2. I'm pumped!

Now I need to get back to studying.

People ask me all the time how I can be so depessed, hurt, and generally emo and still find the time to smile, to be kind and caring and all that fun stuff they say I am. I'll let you in on my secret.

I'm struggling to find happy things to write about. When I'm sad, I think about love. That's all I think about. I think about how much I love a certain person/food/object/activity, allowing myself to be completely engulfed in that feeling.

Until recently, I didn't understand that old, annoying proverb by that one Alfred Lord Tennyson fellow: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I thought, why would someone prefer to lose something he loves over not loving and being spared the heartache? Then I fell in love--and lost. Twice. It hurt, I cried, and I fell into a pit of weakness and vulnerability. My first love was a dog. My dog. My tubbykins. He was a fat, cranky, thieving, misbehaving potato of a creature, but he was mine. I loved that dog more than I've ever loved anything else in this world--more even than I loved my first [human] love. This dog had my heart, and I was more than devastated when he packed his bags and relocated to Sugarcandy Mountain. We had eight glorious years together. Eight years. It looks like a long time, but it seems like nothing to me. Not enough time at all.

to be continued...

Jerry Springer Any Day Now

So I went to my first university hockey game tonight with my step-mom. It was interesting. Guys skated on the ice, slapped a puck around, and tried to kick each other in the face with their blades. Amazing.

And I found out some more dirty family secrets. I was in tears for practically the entire game. I almost don't even know who won.

Maybe none of us know what to do. Maybe we all just know what not to do.

Audit

Life is a silly thing. Mine makes no sense to me, so I'm re-evaluating.

I've tried being happy and I've tried not being sad. I've tried boys and I've thought about trying girls. I've tried prayer and I've tried ignorance. I've tried friends and I've tried family. I've tried--ok you get it. I've tried plenty of things. But nothing works. Time for change.

Step 1: Stop talking to people you don't care about
This one's easy. All I have to do is stop talking to people I don't care about. Wow. What a revelation.

Step 2: Get on Zoloft (or the equivalent)
Another easy one. I've been given the green light to take medication again, what with my threat level being dropped to yellow and all, so all I have to do is talk to my counselor about getting the prescription.

Step 3: Go to class
Hmm...doesn't seem too difficult. This is something I haven't done since high school.

Step 4: Eat healthy
BAHAHAHAHAHA I crack myself up. But really, I guess this means more water, fruits, and vegetables (and less...umm...hmmm....well...cocoa?). I think I can handle that.

Step 5: Date
Gross. Not ready for that. I need to put this further on the list.

Step 6: Change your goals
I have no goals. I guess there's nothing to change. Maybe this should be "Set goals and figure out what's important." I'm gonna need help.

Alright. Six steps. I can do this. Woo! Go me!
Great pep talk.

Shoulder Shrug

I haven't been writing much. I feel like I should write more and about more things. It seems to me that the same thoughts run through my mind all the time. Unfortunately, I use the material I'm given by those around me, and the same theme recurs in conversation with anyone: why did you do it?

Ugh.

So I went to see my neurologist on Tuesday. He asked why I'm not on this anti-d business. He also seemed very surprised that I'm alive. And that I'm not on anti-depressants. Oh, did I already mention that? Of course, too, I got The Question: Why did you do it?

I always answer this question the same way: shoulder shrug. Sometimes I also add, "I don't know."

Truth? I know. There are no ambiguities in my reasoning. It wasn't a whim and it wasn't for attention or to hurt myself. So get it straight, chief.

Whew. Now that I've cleared that up, let's get back to this crazy little thing I like to call my blog.

My step-mom has been in town for the past few days. That's been interesting. We don't normally talk that much. I don't really talk much; I'm more of a thinker/listener. I think the silence makes her uncomfortable. This is secretly entertaining. I'm not sure why. It's always amusing to see people struggle to force conversation because they can't handle silence. A lot of people do this with me because I practically live in silence. If I talk your ear off, it means I'm looking for your approval. Usually this endless chatter of mine is accompanied by pointless stories and nonsensical ramblings. Keep your eyes out.

Oh yeah, and this stuff I'm on has me hallucinating. It's awesome. My dreams are amazing these days. I can't even begin to explain how blazed I was last night. I hope it lasts. Also, I'm in a perpetual state of hunger and grog (as in grogginess, as in I'm tired). This could be interesting.

Other news...

Old Faithful has left the building. The cheap hooker only got me $200. Sad day. And school is only a few short days away. And I'm re-evaluating my life. I'm about to blog about that. Stay put.

Doctors Are Fun

Yay for prescriptions!

I'm on one. Finally. Homeland Security just dropped my threat level from orange to yellow--high to elevated.

This stuff puts me right out, too, so maybe now I can sleep at night. And maybe I won't hallucinate. Maybe.

Oh yeah, and I hope this stops the migraines and allergies.

That Girl You Think You Know

Random facts about this blogger. I don't often think of things on my own. I stole this idea from someone else.

• I want another tattoo
• I got my first tattoo because of a boy. Several boys. I don't regret it.
• I'm terrified of puppets, clowns, and men
• I really like my job, though it pays only minimum wage
• Puzzles are my thing
• I'm a puzzle. Don't bother trying to figure me out. I guarantee you'll just get frustrated.
• I bake cakes for people on their birthdays
• I burn cookies every time I try to bake them. I've given up on cookies.
• I've given up on myself
• My parents are two different races
• Obama is not the first black president
• Animals are God's gift to humans
• People mistakenly believe I'm Jewish because of my hair
• Only one man (I've had six partners) has ever given me an orgasm
• Trojans hurt. Durex is the way to go if you want to get any from me.
• Batman (Bruce Wayne) owns my life
• Sometimes I sing out loud without realizing it
• I've only ever been physically attracted to one person
• I care too much about other people
• I rarely sleep anywhere other than my couch
• I've never had so much to drink that I've thrown up. BUT I black out every time I drink.
• Stories get exaggerated
• Confined spaces don't make me claustrophobic, but that show about underground places does.
• I want to be good
• I'll do anything when I'm drunk (except sex stuff)
  
• Heath Ledger has always been my favorite actor. Naturally, I was thrilled when he got cast as the Joker.
• I always think I'm pregnant. All the time.
• I like all of my body's imperfections
• I do a secret little happy dance every time I get a new scar or blemish
• My first boyfriend had to be threatened by four of my buddies before he'd ask me out
• I hate my first boyfriend. We don't speak.
• My second boyfriend only landed me because of a bet
• I've never had a third boyfriend
  
• I didn't get my first kiss until my junior year in high school
• I've only been asked out three times, had two boyfriends, and I've only actually dated one person
• When I get sick, I get scared
• I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac
• My first crush was on this guy eight years older than me. I never really got over it.
• I used to cheat on tests because I was too lazy to study
• Counseling makes me want to talk about things. All the time.
• In middle and high school, I let people copy my work because I thought it would make me their friend
• I never really had any friends in school. Never really had birthday parties, either.
• People always get kicked out of my life at the start of the new year. They don't come back.
• I have to sit on a pillow to drive
• Black men are in no way attractive to me. I don't know why.
• People always accuse me of being a lesbian because I don't date.
• I tried to kill myself once.
• I never got my meningitis shot because I was hoping to catch it and die (heavy stuff, I know).
  
• Shaving my legs makes me feel sexy
• I've never had a valentine or a secret admirer
  
• Pizza rocks my world
• I have a Bad Day Routine: cocoa, Sufjan, Corinne, shower, and a movie
• I get motion sickness unless I'm driving
  
• I like sticky things. Stickers, tape, even rubber cement.

Reflection Day

That's today. It's also New Year's Day. Let's reflect.

This has easily been the hardest year of my life. I don't know if I've made it hard for myself, or if it was just that way. All I know is that there are a few good things I can say about it, and I plan to say them.

January--Spent this day last year at my buddy's house getting (unintentionally) drunk. Got out of the business school and into the liberal arts college. Joined Access, which was awkward because everyone already knew each other and I knew no one. That was also the month of my first Sunday Morning Breakfast on my own.

February--Valentine's Day. Enough said. But really, I don't remember this month being too bad. I believe I spent most of it apartment hunting. We did another breakfast, too. And this was the first month of the intramural soccer team I supported. I also did a lot of stuff with the exchange students. I learned how to line dance and stuff. Weird but fun. Good month.

March--I went to Florida for Spring Break. It was great because I got to meet one certain superamazing person. But it sucked because I met dude I'd been talking to for a year. He turned out to be the biggest douche in the world, and I haven't spoken to him since. Oh yeah, and I got violated on several occasions during that week. But my bro sent me my 360 (I miss you, dear Xbox) for my early birthday. That really rocked. That was awesome. Made my day. Unfortunately, I never had anyone to play with, so I never used it unless I wanted to watch a movie.

April--Relay For Life. I did some fun stuff with Access, got a little more involved. That was really awesome, though it was frrreeezing outside. I'm pretty sure this is also when mentor training began. I went to Dining Out (JROTC stuff) with the batallion commander, too. Got to sit at the big table and everything.

May--Nothing happened. Literally. Almost nothing. I moved into my new apartment. I was so excited to get out of that dorm and away from that awful roommate. Finals this month, too. And I started summer school and worked for Access.

June--Why, God, why? It really wasn't that bad, actually. I hated my summer classes. Only had two of them. Never went to the first, and only went to the second because the prof emailed to check up on me. I had no interest in either of them. Well, the second wasn't so bad except that I had to write, and I hate writing. That's where I met The Bitch and Maybe Cute Guy. And Crackhead Bob. And Dude To My Left. And Final Fantasy. And Perky Girl. I gave them all nicknames on the first day of class. This was also when I went on the first date of my life. We saw Wanted. Fun times. And I adopted my dog. She's a sweetheart.

July--This entire month can be summed up in three words: class, Target, boy. That's really all I did. Went to class, worked at Target (and quit), and hung out with my boyfriend. Correction: got drunk with my boyfriend. Actually, we did other stuff, too. But all he wanted to do was drink and get high and stuff. And all I wanted to do was sleep and chill. But I met one or two really awesome people through him. I gotta be grateful for that. Hmm...pregnancy scare. Got on birth control. Thus begins Season Of Weird. I worked the New Student Conferences this month, too, and hit a fun July 4th party. But what's most important is that The Dark Knight hit theatres this month. OHHHHH YEAHHH!

August--I didn't do much this month. I was supposed to go back to Florida to hang out with Mr. Awesome, but I thought cultivating my relationship was more important. Stupid move. Waste of money. Sooo, my birthday. I went back 'home' for the first time since April or something and threw an impromptu party with some people. Ate food. Went to the mall. Nothing fancy. Then my real birthday rolled around and I did nothing. First birthday alone. Didn't even get a card. LAME. I started getting sick around my birthday. It sucked. Oh yeah, and boyfriend broke up with me right after classes started. Fun.

September--The month of failure. Tried to do the school thing, but started getting sick. Took my second trip to the clinic. Went to a couple parties. My car decided to stop working this month. Well, it started to have serious problems. It never really worked well and was always acting up. Hit the State Fair with a friend. Ate turkey legs, walked around, saw stupid/weird stuff. Then we headed a few miles out and got tattoos. My first. Started seeing a counselor after two of my best friends told me I sounded/acted/seemed depressed.

October--Sick as a dog. Migraines, headaches, stomach problems, allergies, sinus shit. EVERYTHING. At the same time. Realized who my real friends were. Had to withdraw from school. Lost a scholarship because of that. Damn. Spent out the wazoo for all the medical crap I did. Halloween party. Fun. Got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

November--Spent almost every minute of every day in bed. Sick, sick, sick, ill. Went to a dodgeball tournament. Hallucinated a lot. Got on more medication. Tried to kill myself. Was forced to spend a couple weeks at 'home'. I don't want to talk about Thanksgiving. But I met my spiritual partner. That's good, right? Right.

December--Best month ever. Not really, but that doesn't matter. Came back to my real home, my apartment. I took my first trip to Houston (check previous blog) and made some new, really cool friends. Well, not really new, but yeah, new. This month, I pretended to enjoy the Christmas season. I'm good at pretending. I hit a couple more parties. I sprained my ankle like an idiot. It still hasn't healed, three weeks later. Because of that, I had to take another lovely trip to the clinic and spend more money. But it's ok because it's not broken. My car died for good. I need to start looking for another one.


So that was my year.